The Self-defeating Pursuit

Okay. So I have no clue of what I am gonna write, but I do know that I want to write. Earlier today I had thought of saying stuff that I had in me but the point that i wanted to emphasize doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. There is a lot to be said but probably will have no coherence of any sort.
First things first. MBA. So you begin by becoming a part of this rat-race of trying to get into a great B-school because u suddenly think this is made for you or because everyone is doing it or because you are fed up of what you are doing or because money lures you into it. And mind you, this is after you joined a rat race 4-5 yrs back when you ran to get into an IIT or an SRCC because back then that seemed the right thing, or the thing everyone was doing, or the thing that you were "made for". OK, not digressing from where I was, you start to run this race and you realize oh your pretty good at it and you get these occasional ego boosts when you do better than most in so called "tests" (I am afraid I don't know WHAT is it they test though). And here it is. You have cracked it. Beaten thousands of people to get into that coveted B-school, the one you dreamed of. Or maybe you think you could have been at an even better one. But whatever, now that you're in it, you're in it because you thought it was good enough for you or as was in my case , you thought that it doesn't really matter because you will be you whether here or at a slightly better place.
So here you are among around 200-300 of the brightest minds in India ( or so you like to think and so do the ones who selected you) and so happy and proud of yourself that you have finally achieved something big. Well, the game has just begun. Or I may say it never ends.
So its the same old story, another rat race , this time for grades - "relative" grades I might add and jobs which have place for only the best  ( or again the ones they think are the best). Only this time its a competition between fewer people but all exceptional in their own ways. So is it easier? or is it tougher? I' ll leave that for you to decide. But its a rat race for sure. And then slowly you realize there is nothing really special about what you are doing, its just the usual stuff you have been doing all your life- the so called "quest for knowledge" which for the major part of it ( read 99%) is spent in trying to beat the other and not really learning anything. Of course there are exceptions who don't really bother about all such "materialistic" things but then whatever who cares.
There is a lot more to be said and a lot more to be written but it shall be written some other time. For now the question is where does this really end? Or does it ever even end ? I fail to understand. And the irony is if you choose to not run the rat race , you are thrown out of the whole system, out of the whole scheme of things, because you aren't "fit for the course". You aren't a competent enough rat if said in simple terms.

Why do I look at the moon?

Yeah, weird name for a piece of writing isn't it. I agree. But well, I have been asked that by many people when they find me randomly looking at the moon while they are making "conversation" among themselves. So here is a long due reply to "why" would i look at the moon so often.
When you first fall in love, the moon is that one thing that seems more beautiful than ever before and its your companion for the nights you can do nothing but miss that special someone and think of nothing but her. It's there with you when you take that long walk in the empty streets, alone, with thoughts in your mind ranging from mere nothings to the biggest dreams that you have ever nurtured. It's there still, in some shape or size when you are sitting on a bench with that special someone finally with you, next to you, holding your hand. You might not look at it for there is your own piece of moon next to you, but well its still there. And then there are those nights when you go out in the open at night to find that same companion in the skies that has been there for you , always, but you don't find it, coz sadly enough it doesn't rise every night. It's not just a companion for the happy times, but more importantly it's there for you to look at when things are going all wrong. When you take that walk alone, on the same roads where you once strolled with that one you thought was 'the one' , but alas! she isn't there now, but the moon is still looking over you to reassure you that things are still beautiful, its just your perception that has changed, and that the night will still be as pretty again when you will find the true one someday. The moon is there with you in all those nights that you spent on that bed of yours with tears dripping down your eyes, for a reason only your heart knows and which will bury itself with you.
There is another really amazing thought that comes to my mind when I look at the moon. It is the one thing that binds me and my special someone even when we are miles apart. When I look at it , I know that somewhere she can look at the same serene beauty and that it is a connection between me and her which will hold us close even when we are separated by distances. For I know that it will watch over her and take care of her like it has taken care of me over the years, I can sleep peacefully each night.
Isn't this reason enough for me to look at it and merely admire it and acknowledge all that it has done for me without asking for a penny in return. And well, why even need a reason to look at the moon? Isn't the beautiful thing itself reason enough to admire God's second most beautiful creation?

The Dream I choose to live...

I knew what I was walking into was an endless maze,
yet I was certain this was where I wanted to be lost.
I knew this gamble would rob me of all I had,
yet I knew I wanted to lose myself to it.
I knew that in this life I would never be a free bird again,
yet this was one cage that I wanted to be held captive in.
I knew that it would bewitch me, enamour me,
yet this was one spell I wanted to be bound by.
I knew that this time I wouldn't have the last laugh,
yet this was a battle I was ready to surrender.
I knew this night had no morning,
yet I wanted to enter the never-ending slumber.

I choose to be lost in the maze of her life.
I choose to lose myself to the innocence of her smile.
I choose to be held captive in the confine of her eyes.
I choose to be bound by the spell that her words cast.
I choose to surrender every battle to her smile.
I choose to never be woken up from the dream of her love.

Go find yourself

Why is everyone so happy chasing a dream that is not their own? What joy do you get from the achievement of a goal that you never set for yourself? Even a lion thought he was a sheep until he saw his own reflection just coz he had spent his life among them...as one of them. Are you happy being a sheep just coz your surrounded by a herd ?  Or would you rather dare to see a true reflection of who you are and learn to roar? Each one of us has a lion inside us waiting to roar but we don't want it to do that coz it takes the courage of facing your true self which most of us don't really have. Why do we take a beaten track and follow it with such sincerity ? Is it coz we really want to reach the destination it leads us to? I doubt. Its because we are scared to go into the darkness of a path never taken, for we doubt our own ability to deal with the obstacles it may offer us. We do what the world does and comfort ourselves each day saying "everyone is doing it..its not just me" at take pride in it. Shame on us if we are happy about doing something that everyone does. If you were here to do what everyone else does, what then is your own identity? We follow others in everything they do yet point fingers at them if something they do doesn't please us. Let us atleast be consistent in our behavior! We commit mistakes all the time and some of them too big to be called mistakes, yet we don't see them coz well its ok to make mistakes but when another person does it we are the first to point fingers.
Make mistakes, but let them be your own so that its you who learns from them and its you who shoulders the responsibility. Go run blindly, but run to chase a dream that you saw. Go take a path but not the one that everyone else took, but the one that offers you new challenges. Go taste the fruit of the satisfaction and joy you get from achieving a goal that was YOURS.

Benefit Segmentation

Pranshu's theory of benefit segmentation: whoever gets ur work done is your best friend for that while....and then you dont really know him..do you? ....sad but true..and NOT subscribed by me

The Me That Was

What is this inside of me, I try to explore

but all i see is a deep void that fills my core.

Who is this, this isn’t me, the me that used to be..

Where is he lost, the me that was?

When my mind is empty I try to think of

God's wonder that is this World..

But all that comes to my mind is the filth in this world around..

The dark clouds covering my mind and shadowing like a monster..

all i can think of is of no worth..

What brings shivers to my spine is that this isn’t me , a devil that has taken hold of me

And i ask the question to you O Lord!

Where is he lost, the me that was...?

I loved to love and hated to hate..

but this me fears to love and doesn’t care to hate..

I dint care what the world thought of me..

but this heart fears everything around, afraid to leave its own shell..

so he may be safe from everything around..

But alas! its eating me up to wonder and yet find no answer..

Lord! O lord! send me an angel who would fight the devil and let me find again.. THE ME THAT WAS...

Why?

Why do these eyes shed these tears..

Why don’t they dry up and dry up forever?

Why does this heart ever beat for someone?

Why can’t it be content just beating for none?

Why does this mind wander into someone’s beautiful thoughts?

Why doesn’t it just wander into the unknown darkness?

Why does this heart long for the memories of that someone?

Why doesn’t it long for the hollowness of the dark…?

Why do these hands rise in prayer so that one maybe mine?

Why don’t they rise so that they may not need someone?

Why does this heart dare to dream over and over again?

Why doesn’t it wish for the state of not dreaming?

Why do I long for each breath to see the next moment?

Why don’t I long so I may not need to breathe again?