So this is officially the first post I am making a draft of first before actually straight writing it on the blog and posting it without a second thought, without a re-read, coz I am not even sure of this little thing that I am writing right here! And yes its my birthday in a few hours and I turn 23. I am here on exchange relaxing, literally doing nothing for a whole thee and a half months and yet on track for a perfect gpa for the semester. I have a pretty good job offer lined up for when I complete my MBA and a nice 3 months break before I start that and everything is almost as good as it gets. YET, this is the time when I pretty often, more often than ever before anyways, have thoughts of “What am I even doing?” To me that’s pretty messed up and I think it should be that way too.
Its nothing that bothers me, nothing big, just a lot of little things which I don’t even know how to explain or name, but they do exist and they have existed for a while maybe but I just choose to take the easier way. All throughout my life I was lucky to get things the easier way, put in little effort and get great results, just maybe coz I was gifted with certain things, like everyone is and they make use of it and make the best of it that they can. But, the best things that I have always enjoyed the most have been the ones I really worked hard for. They aren’t too many really because like I said working hard and putting in a lot of effort hasn’t been my cup of tea and which is why I feel I have got a lot of what I have coz of things I just had in me and never put in an effort for. This doesn’t even make sense, but what if I did put in effort, sincerely, consciously and then saw where things go.
I have said this to myself often, but never really done it apart form maybe in short periods of time where there was a spell where I did put in effort and work for things and they sure did reap benefits and give results. I dream big, always have, to the extent of being thought of in the negative sense of being unrealistic. I have always believed in my abilities to the extent of being thought of as cocky or conceited, as you may put it. Yet, I am proud of both the above things coz I don’t think I have ever dreamt of things that are impossible, nor have I ever been conceited in a way that has been condescending or anyway wrong to me. But what I am not proud of the fact that I do not always give in as much effort as I can, maybe what I do put in is enough, but not what I am capable of. Its not always about doing things that are enough, is it?
How will I ever tell myself that I achieved what I was capable of, or what I did was the best I could if I never even push myself to the limit? And it does not have to be success, career, or anything in particular, it has to be every little thing that matters, that I think or know inside of me that deserves more of my effort or that I know I can give more to. I think this isn’t a bad time, if ever there is one, to do what needs to be done. In fact I think it’s a pretty darn good time to put my hand up, own up to it and start doing something about it. And all this just for myself, because nobody I think has anything to prove to anyone but themselves.
That brings me to another point which totally annoys me so often which is that WHY do we spend 99% of the time of our lives doing things in one way or another to manage/create an impression on others. Nobody but you is who you answer to, atleast that’s the way I like it and that’s the way it should be. But lets not get into that too much for now because that is a topic for a whole different discussion.
Now the question why would I ever want to go put such a post on a total public forum, well although most of the things I put on here are someway related to me. But, its because I have made promises to myself before, and I am the only person that I make a promise to and break it. So, well maybe if I announce it publicly enough, whether anybody even reads this or not, I know somewhere that I said a bunch of big huge things in front of a possible large audience and if I still don’t follow it, then God help me. So well with this I think enough said, and now its time to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. J
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